Enjoy !!!! 
Hello my name is Flicka and my Owner's a clinic junky.
Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me. I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from Greenhorn to Greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn. I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fellas so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty,but they told me my butt was too small, my head too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.
She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.
First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat. Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it.
I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my natural horse abilities. Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the
SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching,but I knew my Phyllis would not. Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.
Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner. Later I talked to the 2 year old.
He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for
about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the
string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!
Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce.
To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.
There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang
while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate Sorry fella, you're cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I just don't swing interspecies.
A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when was born. A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.
I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild stallion.
Sincerely, Flicka Wrote by Josey Ihm, Ardmore OK
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed, as Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!" And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you possibly beat us? Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
Test ::: This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it! 1. This is this horse
2. This is is horse
3. This is how horse
4. This is to horse
5. This is keep horse
6. This is an horse
7. This is old horse
8. This is fart horse
9. This is busy horse
10. This is for horse
11. This is forty horse
12 This is seconds horse Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on? HOW TO SOAK A HOOF
1. Get bucket or low tub, fill with warm water, add Epsom salts until fully diluted. Get horse, place in cross ties, pick up foot, slide bucket or low tub into place, place horse's foot in tub.
2. Retrieve tub from corner of barn, get towel to dry off your face.
3. Refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Shorten cross ties. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub.
4. Retrieve tub from other horse's stall, retrieve horse from his own stall. Find bailing twine to fix broken crosstie. Wrap towel around head to dry hair. Check rapidly bruising toe for signs of breakage.
5. Place rocks in bottom of tub to weigh it down. Snub horse to wall of stall, refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub. Hold up other front leg.
6. Pick self up off of stall floor. Find place outside where tub has been flung. Retrieve horse from neighbor's garden, pull rocks ou! t of horse's water bucket, call spouse for opinion on whether or not wrist may be broken. Explain
multiple times to emergency room staff that you did not fall off the horse.
7. Return to home, enlist spouse to hold horse, hobble hind legs, tie up front leg, fill tub with water and salt, slide tub into place, while pinning horse against wall.
8. Apologize to spouse as they view hoof prints across favorite shirt. Wonder if water and Epsom salts is bad for new wrist cast. Check out burgeoning black eye from broken hobbles. Retrieve horse from cattle farm across the road. Share laugh with cattle farmer about how fast horse can move on only three legs.
9. Go to grocery store to purchase ice packs, ibuprofen, more Epsom salts, and scotch.
10. Call vet and ask them to come over and show you how to soak a foot. Pour self tall glass of scotch while waiting. Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect
THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of yo! ur freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what theysaid when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG h! ole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, di g a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
VISITORS: Qui! ckly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern
A old Cowboy & His granson
An old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to spinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left................. 14 children 30 grandchildren 45 great-grandchildren 25 great-great-grandchildren ............... and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
DANDY DARLIN' My wife, she has a Quarter Horse
With flaxen mane and tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing
That ever jogged a rail.
His name is Dandy Darlin'.
And if the truth I tell,
That fancy, pampered Quarter Horse
Has made my life pure hell.
My wife she used to cook for me,
And serve it with champagne,
But now she'd rather feed that horse
And fix his special grain.
He dresses better than I do,
With blanket, wraps, and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected,
That I attract the flies!
She rides him every morning,
She grooms him half the night;
The last time that she kissed me,
Was just to be polite.
One day my wife was shopping,
She's gone down to the mall,
And fancy, pampered Darlin'
Was standing in his stall.
He looked so smug and sassy
That I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker,
And take him for a spin.
I've wondered since, if cues I gave
He might have misconstrued.
For when I climbed aboard that horse,
He rightly came unglued!
He bucked and spun and snorted fire
And flung me through a fence.
I saw big stars and lost six teeth
That I ain't heard from since.
The wife came home and found me,
A-lyin' in the dirt.
She kissed her horse and said to him,
"Oh, Sweetheart, are you hurt?"
He'd scratched his nose a little bit --
The memory burns me yet --
She left me trampled in the dirt,
And ran to call the vet!
©B.K. England Top 10 Spooky Thingshorse's point of view
10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."
9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"
8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."
7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."
6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."
5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."
4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."
3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."
2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."
1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."
I got this from a friend of mine and had to share it. I don't know who the mare and foal belong to, but this is too cute!
Author unknown
Here are some RIDING RULES for Women Older Than Dirt 1. We DO NOT need to show up with our hair combed, make up on and wearing a
clean shirt. 2. Moaning, groaning and complaining about aching muscles is perfectly
acceptable, as is taking Motrin (or something stronger) prior to a ride. 3. Helping someone on or off the horse does not mean the rider is an
invalid. It only means the horse got taller overnight. 4. No one will comment about how big someone's butt looks in a saddle. 5. Everyone will wait, patiently, while someone dismounts and adjusts
equipment. Everyone will also wait, patiently, until that person remounts and is
ready to move on...no matter how long that takes. 6. When a horse is acting up we will accept that the horse is just having a
bad hair day and it is not the rider's fault. 7. Mentioning it is too hot, too dry, too humid, too wet, too buggy, etc.,
is considered self expression, not whining. 8. Wanting to be first, last, walk, or just stop does not mean the rider is
a wimp. Sometimes it is necessary to teach a horse who is in charge. 9. We will take the time to discuss the important issues of the day like who
is dating who, who is cheating on who and any other relevant information
which needs to be passed on. 10. We will acknowledge that horses are very strange animals and sometimes
for no reason at all we fall off of them. If this happens to any rider the
other riders will ascertain that the person is okay and then not mention the
incident to another living soul, especially husbands and significant others. 11. We will acknowledge, without apology, that riding more than 6 hours
increases our grumpy level far more than any ego benefits we may get from riding
longer. 12. Our horses are not fat they are "big boned". 13. I need to keep this TWH riding mysterious and strange sounding. If
everyone else finds out how much fun it is the price of the horses will go up and
I won't be able to afford a dozen of them. (author unknown) Dangerous substance found in horse hair !!!!!!!
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)
Need to ride..oh sorry did we say on a horse!
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.
COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA
This is GREAT! God Bless them thar dern Cowboys!
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'
So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'
'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown ~
Honest Harry's New & Used Horses
"I can save you money on gas! "All right folks, step right up! You don't want to pay $4.69 for gas, no problem. I have the perfect vehicle for you. Needs no gas, no oil, or even a battery, just a little grass and water will do these animals fine. Now everyone has different needs, so choose from the following models: Trail Horse - Your average run-around-town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal-sized American. The Western Pleasure- The right car for the high-end white-collar workers. This animals works harder and requires more special knowledge, so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic, you just won't be getting anywhere fast. The Parelli- Salesmen, stay-at-home moms and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. you can load him down with flapping Wal-Mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes. The Ranch- The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass. No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail." ~Anonymous
The Love of a horse is like non other.
All Content provided by Kathy Dowdell
Yes, it's true. She went thru her mid life crisis and came to the sale barn and bought me. I spent my whole life misbehaving and being passed from Greenhorn to Greenhorn till someone finally got smart and sent me to the sale barn. I was seriously hoping to be picked up by one of those show horse fellas so I could live in a fancy barn and stand around and look pretty,but they told me my butt was too small, my head too big, and the crest on my neck from a bout with grass founder (thanks to owner number 2) is not desirable, and in general I was just not that capable of looking pretty, so I went home with Phyllis instead.
She pets me and loves me, and in general I had a pretty good life at first. Then she heard about those guys who whisper to horses. Life has never been the same.
First there was Pat. At Pat's clinic Phyllis learned to twirl a big stick and chase me around a round pen till I was ringing wet with sweat. Once I had quote "calmed down" (I was never really fired up in the first place till that guy came at me with the stick like an idiot) she began learning to ride me with no bridle. Talk about giving an old spoiled horse an opportunity to have some fun! Initially I went along with it.
I'd lope around the pen real nice like, and everyone would oooh and cooo over my natural horse abilities. Then, just when everyone had gathered around to watch, I would see the
SCARIEST!! (tehehehe) shadow in the history of scary shadows and switch directions and take off with my rider clinging terrified to my back. Every other horse on the place was envious of me because their owners would take them out back and beat them with that overpriced stick when no one was watching,but I knew my Phyllis would not. Eventually Philly (as I like to call her) gave up on the whole natural horse idea when Pat tried to talk her into jumping me without a bridle over some barrels.
Off we went in search of another guru. In our search we found Monty. He threw a string at a horse and talked to the horse with winks and stares. I spent some time with his clinic horses. I saw the demonstration where an unbroken 2 year old became an overnight Reiner. Later I talked to the 2 year old.
He was actually 5 and had been doing this same routine for
about 5 clinics now. The first time Phyllis broke out the
string I again, went along with it. Well, until she got tired of me stopping and looking at her like she was stupid. When she went to get herself a glass of water and refer to that chapter in Monty's book I grabbed the string and chewed it to pieces.
And this is how I got my Jolly ball!
Then there was the Indian fella with a name I can't pronounce.
To get the full effect of his clinic Philly painted stuff on my body and put feathers in my hair. I looked like I was in a Costume class, but hey whatever floats your boat. I thought maybe at least with this guy we might get to play Indian pony games and have mock battles or something but no. More round pen work and gimmicks. This time there was a fire in the middle of the round pen and they danced around it while praying that I would become a good horse and always mind my owner. He only took her for a couple thousand pelts and a bottle of firewater.
There's been the Australian guy. Training with a Boomerang
while he hopped around like a kangaroo and called me his mate Sorry fella, you're cute and all but my mate has 4 legs. I just don't swing interspecies.
A horse psychic who told Phyllis my momma didn't lick me enough when was born. A guy who used his hands like ears to talk to me and of course the touchy feely lady.
I can't complain though I've got an owner who loves me and has devoted her time to trying to make me a better horse. I really should behave, really I should, but I think I am contributing to her youth by giving her a reason to take me to all these clinics. Maybe the next clinic will involve turning me out with the mustangs so I find my inner wild stallion.
Sincerely,
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed, as Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!" And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you possibly beat us? Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
Test :::
2. This is is horse
3. This is how horse
4. This is to horse
5. This is keep horse
6. This is an horse
7. This is old horse
8. This is fart horse
9. This is busy horse
10. This is for horse
11. This is forty horse
12 This is seconds horse
1. Get bucket or low tub, fill with warm water, add Epsom salts until fully diluted. Get horse, place in cross ties, pick up foot, slide bucket or low tub into place, place horse's foot in tub.
2. Retrieve tub from corner of barn, get towel to dry off your face.
3. Refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Shorten cross ties. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub.
4. Retrieve tub from other horse's stall, retrieve horse from his own stall. Find bailing twine to fix broken crosstie. Wrap towel around head to dry hair. Check rapidly bruising toe for signs of breakage.
5. Place rocks in bottom of tub to weigh it down. Snub horse to wall of stall, refill tub with water and Epsom salts. Pick up horse's foot and place in tub. Hold up other front leg.
6. Pick self up off of stall floor. Find place outside where tub has been flung. Retrieve horse from neighbor's garden, pull rocks ou! t of horse's water bucket, call spouse for opinion on whether or not wrist may be broken. Explain
multiple times to emergency room staff that you did not fall off the horse.
7. Return to home, enlist spouse to hold horse, hobble hind legs, tie up front leg, fill tub with water and salt, slide tub into place, while pinning horse against wall.
8. Apologize to spouse as they view hoof prints across favorite shirt. Wonder if water and Epsom salts is bad for new wrist cast. Check out burgeoning black eye from broken hobbles. Retrieve horse from cattle farm across the road. Share laugh with cattle farmer about how fast horse can move on only three legs.
9. Go to grocery store to purchase ice packs, ibuprofen, more Epsom salts, and scotch.
10. Call vet and ask them to come over and show you how to soak a foot. Pour self tall glass of scotch while waiting.
THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of yo! ur freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what theysaid when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG h! ole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, di g a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
VISITORS: Qui! ckly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern
A old Cowboy & His granson
An old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to spinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
| |
| DANDY DARLIN' My wife, she has a Quarter Horse His name is Dandy Darlin'. My wife she used to cook for me, He dresses better than I do, She rides him every morning, One day my wife was shopping, He looked so smug and sassy |
I've wondered since, if cues I gave
He bucked and spun and snorted fire The wife came home and found me, He'd scratched his nose a little bit -- |
10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."
9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"
8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."
7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."
6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."
5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."
4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."
3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."
2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."
1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."
I got this from a friend of mine and had to share it. I don't know who the mare and foal belong to, but this is too cute!
Author unknown
clean shirt.
acceptable, as is taking Motrin (or something stronger) prior to a ride.
invalid. It only means the horse got taller overnight.
equipment. Everyone will also wait, patiently, until that person remounts and is
ready to move on...no matter how long that takes.
bad hair day and it is not the rider's fault.
is considered self expression, not whining.
a wimp. Sometimes it is necessary to teach a horse who is in charge.
is dating who, who is cheating on who and any other relevant information
which needs to be passed on.
for no reason at all we fall off of them. If this happens to any rider the
other riders will ascertain that the person is okay and then not mention the
incident to another living soul, especially husbands and significant others.
increases our grumpy level far more than any ego benefits we may get from riding
longer.
everyone else finds out how much fun it is the price of the horses will go up and
I won't be able to afford a dozen of them.
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)
Need to ride..oh sorry did we say on a horse!
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end.
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